Mothers Day Reflections

In North America, Mothers Day is this weekend.

I have seen that JDRF Canada is doing promotion this week on #Type1derWoman  This looks really fun and I can’t wait to see more.

A few years ago, the DRI did a segment on the Real Moms of Diabetes.  A few of my friends took part. It was equally as moving.

And of course there is the incredible poem written by my dear friend Linda Kaniasty that mothers in the UK put to video.  It still makes me cry.

All of these posts have me thinking about life as a D-momma.  My role has changed a lot over the past 16 years.

I started out as the mother of a toddler with diabetes.  I was lucky.  He didn’t mind the shots.  He was okay with finger pokes.  He hated to eat however.  That was a challenge.

If I had it to do all over again…and it was 2016 and not 2000, well I would be putting him on a pump right away.  There is no need to fuss with injections, a pump would give us the flexibility to let him eat the way  he wanted.  I would have a CGM so that when he fell asleep, I would know if he was just napping versus having a low and couldn’t tell me.

I would still use bribery.  Stickers and rewards were a fabulous way to get through everything from potty training to meal fights.  I would still allow him to inject and have control of the diabetes care for his toys.  This was a great way to give him power.  I would still worry and log like crazy but that is me.

Eventually my toddler grew and went to school.  The worry again was tangible.  I had friends who would be watching out for him in school but I was terrified.  There was so much that could go wrong.

If I had to do it again, I would have released the terror.  He was left in the care of teachers who truly cared about their students.  He had friends who cared about him.  They all would do their very best…or call me if in doubt.  I didn’t need to hover. I didn’t need to stress–as much.  It was okay.  Yes, there would be wrinkles along the way but they were small. He would survive.  We would all learn. It is important to relax a little during these years as greater challenges will come.

As my child became a preteen, the issues again changed. We struggled to find a balance between what he should be expected to do and what I should be expected to do.  I ached that he was expected to do so much.  I grew frustrated when one of us failed.  If I had to give myself advice for that time looking back it would be that it will be okay.  You will find your way.  If he didn’t die,  learn from it…both of you.  Work hard. He is listening in his own way.  It will be worth it.  He can stumble a bit.  Its okay to wipe his knees but he will get it.

When my son became a teen…well didn’t that change everything!  There were now hormones.  There was the teen brain.  There were struggles.  There were worries.  How do you balance allowing him to be a normal teen (with all of the worries that comes with that stage) and being a teen with diabetes? You ask for help.  You reach out to those who have been there…and you pray.

As a teen, my son decided that he knew it all.  He decided that he really didn’t need the care of Mom any more.  He moved away and decided to finish high school while living with his father. I foresaw many problems.  Some of them came to pass…some didn’t.  I felt like a failure. I was a parent whose child didn’t want to live with them.  People reminded me that it wasn’t about me, this was about him.  It still hurt.  My one clearly defined role now became more blurry than ever.

My son is now a young adult.  He is 18 and learning to live with the choices that he has made.  He has stumbled.  He has tripped a few times but he has done okay. He is getting stronger in more ways than one.  He understands his body he tells me.  He is tightening his control.  He has learned. He knows he can still come to me when he loses his way.

So what would I tell that Mom of a toddler now? You’ve got this.

What would I tell that mom who is watching her son head off to school? The school and his peers have your back.

What would I tell that mom of a teen? He really did listen and learn when you were sure he wasn’t.  Somehow you will both live to go through another stage of parenthood.  Some days will hurt but most days will be a blessing because when you look back at where you have been, where things could have gone? Life is amazing!

There are still challenges.  We still have a long road ahead of us.  No matter how old my children are, I am still their mother.  They are still my children. I worry. I care. I love them deeper than I could have ever imagined.  They make me shake my head at times but they also make me proud.

For all of you fellow D-mommas, take a moment and be proud.  Be proud of YOU and all that you have accomplished when faced with this huge burden.  YOU are amazing!

liam barb sept 1999b

 

 

He’s Got This

Over Easter, my youngest son came to visit.  Each time he visits me I am shocked by how much he has grown. My little boy is long gone and a young man is emerging. A child with diabetes is being replaced by a young person with diabetes and I stand in awe.

This time I stood back a bit more. I tried not to fall into old habits of taking over care or nagging about testing. I gently reminded. I compared carb counts now and again when asked.  I tested him at night at his request but mostly I sat and watched.

I wondered how his care was going. He hasn’t told me an A1c in years. I worried about his rates. I worried about his health.  The more I tested, the more I watched, the more my pride grew.

He wasn’t perfect.  He still doesn’t test as much as I would like but when he did test, his results were awesome. When he ate junk, which he doesn’t do as much any more, he nailed the bolus.  When he spiked because of a low cartridge and air being delivered instead of insulin, the spike was no longer in the 20s (360+) it hovered in the low teens.

I sat back and realized that he’s got this.  All of those years of preaching, teaching and sharing have paid off.  He is taking care of himself.  He is trying to protect his body from itself and doing a good job.

In a recent conversation I reminded him that he is the expert in his care.  It is his job to ensure that he is able to demonstrate that to medical professionals that he sees.  He should listen to them and be willing to accept their help but he may also have to remind them that he has been doing this all of his life.  He has been privileged to be trained by some of the very best people in diabetes care in the world.  He has a very good handle on things and a huge support network to reach out to when he is in doubt.

He explained that he finds that very frustrating.  He doesn’t want to get into a contest of who knows more when he sees someone but he feels that after all of these years he does know his body.  He is very healthy.  He has got this…and he has!

hes-got-this-poster2

I am dead tired…and feeling guilty

I am worn out, dragged out, dead tired…after just two nights.

I am out of practice.

I want a CGM.

I want a cure.

I feel guilty. I can’t wait to get my sleep back again.

My son came to visit for a few days.  It was the best Easter gift…having both of my boys here with my for Easter dinner! I was over the moon.

Diabetes had to tag along for the ride.  It could have stayed behind.  It played better than it has on some visits however.

I was pleasantly surprised when I got up to test my youngest son on the first night.  He was a perfect 5 (90).  I didn’t sleep. He was perfect. Exactly in range.  What was next? Would he rise? Would he go low? I didn’t sleep. I rested now and then. I checked.  He dropped a bit. Not enough to worry about. I tried to sleep. I worried.

The next night we had the opposite problem.  His cartridge had run low.  His blood glucose went up.  It didn’t go up as high as it had on previous visits.  He is even more fixated on his health and improving his control on his own.  He corrected. He had command of this.

Once again I awoke during the night. I went to his room and tested.  He was high still. He corrected.  I went back to bed.  I wondered if he would drop. I wondered if he would go higher.  I worried. I tried to sleep but I worried.

Tonight he will be in charge of his own care again.He will be the one to wake.  I will wake up just like I have for too many years.  I will wonder what his readings are but I will be able to  roll over and go back to sleep. I won’t be kept awake with a low. I won’t wonder which direction a high will take even with a correction. I will simply roll over and try to sleep…but I will feel guilty because I can just roll over.

I put in my time. I had 16 plus years of sleepless nights between babies and diabetes.  My son has had 16 years of diabetes too.He doesn’t get an end.  As I said, he has become very conscious of his health and his body.  He told me that he already has one faulty organ, so he has to make sure that he doesn’t have any more.

He is growing up.  He is a young adult now. He takes most  things in stride.  I still wish that he could have an end to testing, injecting, carb counting, lows, highs and all of the rest.  Wishing doesn’t make it so. Feeling guilty doesn’t change allow us to change places.  This is just the way it is.   I will keep wishing for that day when I can say “that was the way it was.”

tired

The Transition Year Troubles

Last week it was rough being a mother of a young man with diabetes. My son wasn’t in DKA or anything as horrible as that.  He was tripping up in the world of paperwork, bureaucracy and diabetes care.

Two years ago he decided that he was old enough to handle his diabetes care, appointments, and schooling on his own. He chose to move to live with his father and take over the responsibility on all of those fronts.  I was forced to stand on the sidelines and offer advice now and again when asked.

I was also left to order supplies for his pump on a semi-regular basis and this is where the trouble began…

I had placed an order for his infusion sets and cartridges.  On Tuesday I received a message on my phone.  It stated that coverage for my son’s supplies had been refused.  I was to either pay the almost $800 bill immediately or return all supplies.

What the heck? My son was under 25 with no insurance.  The provincial pump program was supposed to cover him. Had he fallen through the cracks? Did someone forget to do his paperwork?

I immediately began making calls and sending out emails.  I was sent a copy of the forms that should have been completed for him.  I called the woman at the insulin pump company back.   Slowly the truth began to emerge and it wasn’t pretty…

The pump company hadn’t received new paperwork for my son regarding provincial pump coverage since 2014.

His diabetes center had only seen him once per year but the provincial policy requires him to see someone three times per year.  He had missed most of his appointments.  They had warned him that doing so would result in lost coverage.  He never paid attention.

His diabetes center was for pediatric care and they believed that he had been transferred to an adult center.  They suggested that I contact his former doctor (whom my son felt was still handling his care).

I called his doctor.  I was desperate for some sort of help both in getting my son to realize how important his attendance at appointments were and finding coverage for his pump supplies.

His doctor would not take my call but did say through his secretary that he was continuing to care for my son.  Because my son is 18, his doctor felt that it was up to him to fix the mess that he created.  Fair point.  I passed the message along.  My son made the call.

It is a new week.  A glass or two of wine helped me to decompress.  My son is hopefully beginning to understand that while Mom is always there to help, being “of age” means that he has to handle some things himself.

He has a call into his doctor to set up an appointment and chat about what he can do next.  His doctor is willing to help him get things straightened out (him not Mom). He has booked an appointment with a diabetes clinic closer to his home to ensure that he can make the appointment.

Getting through the transition years

These sound like small things.  In our world they are massive but we will find out way through…and at least there is still wine.

Wondering what sort of diabetes coverage your province offers? Download our free coverage infographic.

Swept away and retired to a desk

Today’s prompt for Diabetes Blog Week asks what is that one thing that we are still clinging on to that we need to let go? What in our diabetes closet needs to be cleaned out?

Honestly, I was going to use a wildcard for this one. I thought it didn’t apply to me any longer.  Diabetes does not live with my full time any more so what could I possibly need to junk out? We cleaned out most of my son’s diabetes supplies when he moved.  Anything left here he needs when he visits. Obviously this was a topic that I was going to have to give a miss. Or maybe not….

sweeping up
Sweeping out the old

There is something that I have been working on for…cough, cough, almost….two…cough…years.  It is something that I need to let go of, clean out, sweep away. My challenge is to sweep away that need to know all and me hands on 100% of the time.  It is now physically impossible and thinking otherwise is emotionally draining.

I have to adjust to the role of no longer being that person in charge. Learning my new role as the person standing in the office listening to what is going on in the trenches but removed from the actual events is a huge challenge.

I no longer have to wake up at various times during the night to test my son. That has its own guilt.  I still wake up through the night out of habit but as time has gone on, I no longer wake in a panic wondering if he is okay and if he is testing.

I have gotten better at having him text me readings.  Originally I wanted to know every reading.  I would stay up to all hours just so that we could talk and he could tell me what his readings had been like.  That didn’t work. He did his best to be busy when I wanted to call and talk.  I had to get rid of that need to know. I had to learn that it was now truly his disease.

We still talk daily.  I don’t know his readings from day to day.  He calls me when he has a problem. We troubleshoot issues together.  I still work on being okay with the fact that I don’t know his A1c.  I still struggle with not being able to hook him up to the technology that I want him to use.  Sweeping out the DMomma who is hands on and replacing her with the DMomma who is just there to help out when things get a little messy or he needs a break has truly been my biggest challenge.

As I have have been swept out of the trenches, I found myself struggling to understand my place on the sidelines.  I worried that I had not prepared him enough. I worried that I would not matter any more. I worried that I would no longer have a role in that community of diabetes parents that had been my home for so many years.

Just like cleaning our house can give you a new perspective, cleaning out my role as a DMomma did as well.  I have seen my son thrive on his own. I have seen him put to use what he has been taught and develop his own confidence.  Standing back has allowed me a new role in the diabetes community and in my son’s life…and its not that bad!

The Bad and the Ugly

No longer having children live at home means that I don’t have to worry about school schedules. I don’t have to concern myself with getting teens out of bed that would rather sleep.  I don’t have to make lunches.  There is a great freedom there.

Having children who don’t live with you does not free you from worry.  My oldest son makes a 9 hour journey by car every 10 days to go to work. I stress as he drives home for his days off. I stress as he drives back to return for his next run of work. Some times my worries are even warranted.

The other night he had vehicle trouble. I sat by my phone all night until I knew that he was safe.  I felt bad for him.  He had to get up early for work.  I was able to try to catch an extra hour in the morning….or so I thought.

I have two sons and at 7am I heard from my younger son.  He was vomiting.  What should he do? When my boys are sick, Mom is still the first one that they call.  I asked him what his bg levels were? We needed to know if we were dealing with a tummy bug or a really high blood glucose level.

He told me that he couldn’t check. He was throwing up too much.  To prove the point, he sent me a picture.  You have to love boys!

Eventually his stomach relented and allowed him to test.  No bug, he was high, like super high, like “HI!” from a cheerful meter kind of high!  I hate that kind of high.  We went through the protocol….

Inject yourself with insulin.

Change your site.

Change your insulin cartridge.

Check for ketones.

The protocol took over an hour to complete.  He was throwing up and upset by the mess that was being made.  He was alone in the house and having to do everything himself.  My heart was aching.  This is the bad part of having your children move away.  You can’t take over and let them just be sick.  I continued to walk him through what had to be done.

Sleep was now impossible. I got up as I waited to hear what stage he was at.  Insulin was in. Thank goodness! Now at least his body had something to work with.

New site and cartridge were done.  One more step towards normalcy!

Now to stop the vomiting and get some recovery.  He had no gravol or any other anti-nausea medications.  He did find some fluids and worked to keep them down.

He found his ketone meter.  The results were in the “holy crap” category but just under the “you can’t do this alone. Get to the hospital now!” category. “Insulin and water” he repeated. “Don’t forget the test a lot until you have in range readings and no ketones.  Also, do NOT sleep.”  He told me that sleep was not an option.

We continued to stay in contact.  He continued to take charge of his care and get things sorted. I continued to hate diabetes for making him have to be so responsible at 17. We both survived. That’s the main thing….

vomiting2

Sad to see Dex Leave

Ready to use DexoCom!
Ready to use DexoCom!

As I mentioned, we were privileged to be able to try using a DexCom for seven days over the Christmas holidays. I was super excited. My son however was not exactly thrilled but willing to see what all of the fuss was about.

I am pretty sure I allowed him to put down his suitcase and open his Christmas gifts, but I don’t believe I gave him time for much else before we learned how to start the DexCom process.  I had been encouraged to watch the video a few times before actually inserting the device, so I had my son sit with me as we began.  The video paused and allowed you to do a step before continuing.  This was very user-friendly.

As we reached the insertion stage, my son suggested that we stop a bit and replay multiple times before injecting him with anything!  I agreed.  I was terrified that I would mess up.  Not only are these sites expensive, but we only had one to try and our rep was away enjoying the holidays.  I had to be perfect!

I was finally confident that I should be able to do this. My son was not exactly feeling the same level of confidence but eventually relented and allowed me to jab his body with the large contraption. It was a success! The sensor was in his body and he had not died. I asked him about the level of pain he experienced.  (It didn’t look like a big needle so I never even suggested asking him if he wanted to numb the area–bad mom)  He said it was close to having a site inserted–maybe a little less painful.  I was psyched!

Next came putting on the transmitter.  That was a challenge. I understand that it gets easier with time but I will say that figuring out how to get it to attach the first time took us a bit.  Once it was on, it was time to wait our two hours before the first calibration.  I was super excited to see what would happen.  My son was still not as thrilled but glad to no longer have his mother poking at his belly.

Two hours later we did our first calibration and my son resumed his normal activities. One of the first thing he did after putting in the sensor was to enjoy a nice jacuzzi tub.  The sensor is waterproof but I was still having a mild heart attack wondering if it really could take this.  I told my son that all was fine as long as the receiver stayed dry…but I was still nervous.

Would the jacuzzi mess things up? Despite telling him that he didn’t have to test as much with the DexCom, I made him test a few times just to prove to myself that it really was as good as everyone said.  The research didn’t lie.  The end users didn’t lie.  This little machine was awesome!

The accuracy was not perfect the first few days.  I had been told that the DexCom accuracy was not as great on the high-end as it was on the low-end.  We found that to be true.  When it said he was high, he was often higher still. That didn’t bother me though. It showed me a trend. He was high and going higher (we had a bad site).  It really didn’t matter if he was 15 or 25 (270-450). He was high and needed a correction. A finger stick gave us where to correct from but the DexCom told us if we were on the right track.  For me, the combination was amazing!

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Yes! It really did say he was dropping!

During the trial period, we had extreme highs (First lesson–do not calibrate when high. Since the accuracy already isn’t great, your sensor will be off a bit more than when its calibrated at reading closer to in range).  We also had lows.  The first low my son had while wearing the sensor came as we arrived at our cabin. We were unpacking our gear and of course he couldn’t help.  He was low.

“Really? Is it working? Did it tell you that you are low? Can you feel it? Are you actually low?”  My son scarcely avoided an eye-roll and passed me his receiver. It read low! There were downward arrows! He said that yes he felt low and we treated him.  The DexCom then told us that he wasn’t falling any more.  He could help us get the rest of the gear out of the truck and he would be fine! Oh happy days!

Yes, I loved the DexCom.  As we became more familiar with it, the accuracy also improved. I am not sure if  the sensor was working better with his body or if the increased data that it had to work with through a few days of calibration improved the accuracy but it was wonderful!

At night, I would get up and take his receiver into my room so that he could have a break from diabetes care.  It sat on my night side table and instead of getting up and poking him, I could roll over and watch a graph.  A non-D parent will never know how soothing looking at a graph can be but let me tell you, it was AMAZING!image

There were nights that my partner wanted to throw it out the window.  My son was high.  The DexCom told me so.  We corrected. The DexCom said it didn’t work.  We injected.  The DexCom said he was falling.  We wanted that.  The constant dialogue of beeps and vibrations were sending Larry over the edge while giving me peace of mind.

Not all nights were full of alarms.  The DexCom allowed me to also see my son have some of the best readings.  I watched one night in amazement has he maintained a steady 4.9mmol (88mg/dL) for hours.  Such a lovely number would normally have sent me into a night filled with stress. Would he drop? Would he rise? I would be testing a lot wondering or I would be pouring chocolate milk down his throat hoping to slow down a decline in blood glucose levels.  With the DexCom, I was able to simply relax and  watch a perfect night unfold in front of me.

The biggest gift that the DexCom brought me was pride in my son.  When he moved away to live with his father, we said he would share readings with me and we would talk about his care.  Well, reality was very different and with the exception of “yep, all is fine”, I have had no real information on how he was doing.  When he visits with me, there are often problems due to change in activity levels and eating as much of Mom’s food as he possibly can in a short window of time.

He still ate a decent amount.  He also was a little less active that he might have been at his father’s but his readings were generally quite good.  The DexCom showed us a few issues–some of which he knew about but hadn’t dealt with. Together we talked about changes.  He challenged me about some ideas and after a discussion, we made the adjustments that we both felt were required.  I was proud to see that he had listened to what he had been told over all of these years.  He was taking ownership of his disease and doing a good job of it.

I was sad to see day 7 arrive.  It was the end of life with a CGM.  It also meant that my son was heading on a plane back to school and his other home.  The last part was the hardest but it also hurt that he would be leaving without this amazing technology.

I asked him what he had thought about the whole thing.  Once again, he was not impressed with the extra site. I think he quite enjoyed being able to simply look at a graph to know what to do about his readings–he was rising, he was falling, he was nice and steady.  He is not quite ready to carry a second device however nor is he ready for a second site.  I see that changing in time.

Our rep kindly offered to let him use it again in the near future if he wants.  I am sure we will take her up on that offer.  I can see his attitude towards the DexCom changing with both use and the changes in his circumstances–moving from the classroom into the workforce.

I was always a firm believer in the benefits of this technology.  This one week trial just confirmed it.  Anyone living with diabetes should have access to this device.  It will change their lives and improve their diabetes care.  A running live-stream movie of blood glucose readings rather than snap shots throughout the day offers such incredible freedom and peace of mind. It should be a standard of care for everyone who has to live with diabetes.

 

And then they grow up

Its September and that means back to school for many.  For my youngest son it means heading back to a classroom for his last year of high school.  How did that happen? We were only just preparing to send him to preschool yesterday and today we are discussing at what career he wants to explore.

This isn’t the first time this has happened to me. It was just as traumatic when my oldest son was graduating. He is now in the workforce and renovating his first home. I am way too young for any of this but somehow it keeps happening.

Despite my desire to keep them both babies, they have grown into young men but the challenges facing them are very different.  There is a big reason for that and it is called diabetes.  It seems to rear its head into every aspect and ways that I had not thought of.  My 17-year-old son in less than one year will no longer be eligible for his father’s private health insurance unless he pursues post secondary education.  If he doesn’t he will no longer be eligible to have his test strips and insulin covered.  Yes, we do have a provincial drug plan that he can apply to to help reduce his costs but he has to know to apply.

Thankfully he is planning to attend a post-secondary institution so he will continue with some coverage for a bit longer but will his chosen career have a decent medical plan? I am not sure. I think so.  His current career path will lead him into a union, the same one as his older brother, and I believe that he will have coverage at that point–I certainly hope so for his sake.

This is part of the reason for my desire to see changes to our current provincial insulin pump program.  For the past few months I have been working with people and have seen time and time again how expensive diabetes care really is.  It’s not like I didn’t already know this fact but hearing stories and sitting down to think about exactly how much money is spent each week, each month, each year can lead to jaw-dropping moments.

One person shared that they spend $8000 per year.  That sounds like a lot of money. I could enjoy a lovely vacation for that or buy my son a decent used vehicle.  In this case that $8000 is the cost after insurance so imagine what someone would be paying if they didn’t have insurance.  You are right, they are probably are not paying that much more.  Why? Because they have had to make ugly choices.  They most likely had to choose to go on injections rather than an insulin pump.  If they found the money for an insulin pump, they will  have learned how to stretch out infusion sets long after they should be changed.  They probably also know how to squeeze out every drop of insulin from a cartridge and perhaps they have even refilled a cartridge despite knowing the risks that such an action can bring.

For those who cannot afford the best medical tools, they are playing a game of  Russian Roulette on a daily basis.  My son and I have worked very hard for the past fourteen years to keep him healthy and he uses the best technology that we can afford.  That is the sad part however, that people with diabetes must only use the tools that they can afford, not the best tools that will keep them the healthiest and happiest for the longest–only what they can afford.

That is terrifying both as a mother and as a human being.  Imagine that your life depends on a clear liquid in a tiny bottle but you are not sure that you have enough to last you the month.  What are your choices? Perhaps you can beg your pharmacist and see if they have a compassionate program but you are proud person who works hard every day.  You don’t feel that you should have to rely on charity.  You could avoid eating for a few days.  That would limit the amount of “extra” insulin you need.  Perhaps if you didn’t test as often you could save that money to use for insulin.  That strange feeling you are experiencing might not be a low, perhaps its just stress over your supplies running low.  Maybe you really don’t need to test. Maybe you will be okay….or maybe you won’t.

The reality is beyond scary.  This is why I do what I do.  This is why I advocate for improved access to insulin pumps, devices and supplies.  Unless you live in this world, it can be very difficult to completely grasp and understand. I don’t want more people to live in this world so that they understand.  I would rather that they live in ignorance but my son and too many others should not have to know these feelings.  It is important that we take care of those in our society living with chronic conditions.  It is equally important to aid them to purchase the tools that keep them alive and healthy and allow them to therefore fully contribute to society through work and play.

first day of school 2003

One School Year Down….

Last September, June seemed so far away.  As my heart was breaking to watch my son go off on his own, he reminded me that it would only be for two school years.  That seemed so long but we have survived the first one.

Somehow I managed to get through an entire school year living in a different city, in a different part of the province from both of my children.  My youngest son managed to handle blood testing, site changes and doctors appointments without me there to organize it all.

With summer finally arriving, my son is more confident in his own care.  I don’t often ask what his readings are.  Even when I do, the answer I always get is “Fantastic!”  I have no idea what his last a1c was.  He handles most of his supplies, refills, and life with diabetes on his own now.

There will be no break for him over the summer. He plans to work in the area where he is living so his trips to see me will be short at best. Our lives have changed.

I now sleep a little easier at night. I still fear for him but I can’t do anything about it when we are so far away so I just have to have faith that all will be okay.

I allow myself to sleep in in the morning. I don’t count the carbs in my food as often as I once did. I still notice pumps. I still keep on top of the research going on in the diabetes world.

I still wonder what my new role is now that job as full-time mom and pancreas has taken on very different hours. Instead of being on the job 24/7, I now remain on call at all hours.  Oddly, that is less demanding and the stress is what you make it.

I have found a new focus…well refocusing on an old issue.  I offer my experiences to those who are interested.  I still find myself at a loss some days wondering who I am now.  It’s a very strange feeling that is hard to explain to others.

I will find my way. My son is finding his.  Our roles are a little different but my children are learning to fly on their own…and they seem to be doing well.  What more can you want?

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Another Day, Another Feather left behind

The tree is down.  The Christmas decorations are put away for another year.  The house is a little bit more quiet now without the steady banter of two young men and the constant opening of the fridge.  My children were home for a week and it still surprises me how much I miss them when they are gone.

In one week I crammed in as much mom stuff as I could.  There was providing them with food that they love, doing their laundry and sitting around enjoying conversations.  We watched the latest Hobbit movie together and all huddled around watching to see our cousin’s name in the credits.

There was the other stuff that moms take care of too like a stop at the bank to fix issues on both children’s bank accounts.  There was a call to a meter company to replace the iBGstar that my son refuses to part with even though the display was not working properly. There was also the purchase of the small things needed to make life run just a little smoother that only Mom would think of.

It was a busy week.  We quickly fell into the routine of Mom doing more testing and helping with carb counts.  I later wondered if I should have offered to do everything for one day to give my son a complete break. I realized quickly that the idea would not possibly work given his current eating habits. He eats 24/7. I would not be able to keep up. It was much easier to offer carb counts and test while he slept in.

Despite delays caused by Mother Nature, my boys have returned to their other home.  They are slowly getting back into their routine and I am slowly returning to mine.  I still smile however when I see those loose “feathers” in the strangest places.  There is a test strip on the floor in my office where they spent hours catching up on the latest season of Sons of Anarchy.  There is a piece of an infusion set sitting on a table in the living room. How it managed to end up there is beyond me but there is sits waiting to be used…or find a garbage can.

My new role in my son’s life still leaves me feeling off balance and unsure at times. I continue worry and sometimes feel guilty because I no longer have to think about diabetes 24/7.  That is how life goes.  We teach our children and then one day have to step back and pray that they have absorbed some of what we have given them…and remember that we are their for them when the stumble or just need a shoulder to lean on. d feathers