Can I cry now?
Can I cry now? I feel like just sitting down and letting everything go. I am not sure if I would be crying for my failings or the failings of my child. These are the frustrations of a parent of a child with diabetes.
Would crying change anything? Probably not. Would I feel better? Well until I looked in the mirror and saw those horrible puffy eyes but then again they would go quite well with the increasingly greying hair.
Tonight was a repeat but worse of many nights we have had over the past few months. My son with diabetes has finally got a permanent teacher at school this week. I was away for the first day of this week. I was busy with his brother yesterday and then he was with his father last night so tonight I asked for the week’s blood glucose readings. Bad move…well bad move for my nerves.
The lying begins
My son had forgotten to bring his log sheet to his father’s so he wrote things down from memory and his glucometer. I wanted to see a few more days and could not immediately find his log sheet so I went through the meter. Again, the frustrations and anger mounts.
As I scrolled through the boy’s school meter I saw results at 7 am and then nothing until 2pm. I saw readings of “HI”. I saw blood checks at 9 am and then not again until 3pm. I saw lows that were never retested and then heading out to play on the playground.
I was in shock. What the heck was wrong with the teacher? Why wasn’t he reading the information I had sent to school? What was going on? Was this my fault? Have I been too lax in letting him test and learn on his own? I am asking if things are being done. He is lying to me and telling me it is but I am not looking at the meter each day. I am trusting him. This is my second go-round with a child this age. I should know better but funny it still hurts just as much.
My plan to help my child with diabetes
I didn’t know what to do. I told him I was sick and tired of this. How can I help him when he can’t be bothered to help himself unless Mom is sitting on him. At home, he checks his blood glucose fairly regularly. Do I need to follow him everywhere?
He has lost some freedoms. I will be going into his classroom tomorrow. I am at school anyway but I will make a point to see that he has checked his blood glucose levels and to have a quick chat with his teacher.
I have added more alarms on his pump. I hate having them on because I am the only person who seems to hear them. All it does is drain the batteries. When he is at home he ignores them. When he is at school, he seems to just turn them off. When he is at his father’s house they all ignore it. The only one that it seems to help is the battery company because we end up going through so many more of them.
His doctor has told me to step back and let him fall like this. I have been told to be there to pick him up, to help, to push. I tell others to do the same. The logic is sound but the practice? Well, it’s killing me. I am beyond frustrated and I worry that it is killing him.
Am I expecting too much from my child?
Am I expecting too much? Am I not on top of things enough? Should I be hovering again? I am going to have to in some respects but will we both get slack again? Will I feel comfortable and trusting again only to see another explosion of disappointment?
Raising a teen is tough. Raising a teen with diabetes can be even more frustrating. There is too much involved for one person but you do what you must. As the frustrations of parenting a child with diabetes mount, I will probably allow myself to cry for a moment. After that, I will pull up my boots and do what I must. I will hover. I will talk. I will check glucometer. I will listen to alarms. Most importantly, I will try and stay sane through it all.
I will remind myself to take life four hours at a time. We will try to find a way to make the most of our life with diabetes. Together we will learn and do our best.
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